I can't even believe that we aren't together anymore. This all seems to me to be a blur in life, a bad dream that I'll wake up from soon. I know that you won't ever read this, so I'm here to spill my inner most thoughts and fears and emotions. This depression is unlike anything that I've ever delt with before. It is racking my body of everything. I wish I could tell everyone how I felt.. how I feel all the time. I wish that this is something that would just go away over night and be okay in the morning. I hate myself. Every bit of myself. I am a worthless peice of crap. I know that I never really deserved you, and I feel like every min. that I had you was a blessing from God. I knew that you would leave me one day because everyone leaves me. Everyone leaves in life. I miss you so much Tyler. I love you so much! My heart is crying out from it's bitter depths and begging, with everything that I have left, for out love to be rekindled. I am willing to do anything to prove to you that this is real and that this is something that I want so bad. I know in my head that it is over, but my heart is refusing to give up.


So this is what I'm going to do. Everyday I am going to write you something. I know that you will never read this, but this will be a way of healing for me. I don't really want to heal, because healing means knowing that it's over.

I love you Tyler. More than you'll ever know.

Hi Darling,

I hope your day has gone well. I hope that you are safe because you said you were going to get a haircut and run some errands a little earlier. I can't wait to see your new hair cut because I'm sure it is very very pretty. I hope that you liked my letter and sorry that it says Friday even though you got it on Thursday. Its been a pretty boring day at home, but I have been playing this new racing game on the computer all day, so I haven't been sad. I finally took those boxes to the Salvation Army and let me tell you, it smelt like an AWFUL baby diaper added in with the heat/humidity and it was pretty much the grossest smell everrr! But at least they got some stuff.

I hope to hear from you soon. I miss you like crazy sweetheart.
I dont know if you're coming home next week but I sure hope so because I feel like I havent seen you in a coon's age!

I love you darling and hope that you have a goodnight and great day tomorrow.

Love,
Tyler

2 in one day

Darling,

I'm sorry for being so hard to deal with. I can't believe the way I'm acting towards you and I can't explain it. I'm so caught up in my own pity-party that I'm being a jerk to you and you're the one that is getting used to living in a new place and a new experience altogether. I hope you really do forgive me and understand that I'm madly in love with you. I know that I say "I love you" a lot, but I'm like that Garth Brooks song "Wrapped Up In You". I'm afraid of losing you and thats the honest truth. I'm afraid of living without you because you have truly made me into the person I am today in only a year and a half. I don't want to know the feeling of being without you because I know how painful it is to have you only 100 miles away.

I don't know what the future will bring, but I know one thing that I want in my life and thats you. I wouldnt mind a little boy named Jackson Henry or a little girl named Ella Claire, but mainly you. I can't wait for the day that I can call you my wife and we can indeed throw the kids in the back of that limousine! I'd also like to hear the preacher gettin to preachin on the New Years Day...OK maybe not on New Years Day because that will be cold.

I hope that you forgive me for saying that stupid stuff earlier. If you decide that I'm not the man for you, then I will never forgive myself. I hope that you are indeed trying to prove how strong our relationship is while you are at college because I really feel like we are right for each other. It makes me feel better, too, when your family and the people at church seem to feel that way also. But in the end it comes down to me and you, and I know that you are the girl that I want to spend the rest of my life with.

I also hope that you think I am a mature boyfriend. I want to be a boyfriend that you can be proud of and point and say "thats my guy" and eventually be proud of supporting you and our family. I want you to be the girl that has everything she could ever ask for out of life.

You are my princess, my darling, my sweetheart, my everything, and my soulmate.

I love you with all of my heart and want to hold you again.

Love,
Tyler

Hi sweetheart,

I hope your day was good because I didnt really get an idea of what all you did. My day was long at work and people are just driving me insane every time I have to work. This is the first time that I've worked a morning and not had plans to pick you up when I got off work so that we could spend time together. It sucks for me. I know you said you were going to watch TV, but since then I just laid on the couch and did nothing, then took a shower, and now I'm back at the computer. I hope that things slow down tomorrow and we can talk more. I miss having conversations about nothing instead of the short conversations we've had at night that really havent been normal to me. I know that you are making new friends and I hope that you are being careful that they wont try to take advantage of your friendship like people back home have.

I hope that you call again soon...or at least sign on the instant messager. I miss you like crazy darling and can't wait to see you again in 9 days!

I love you very very very much

Love,
Tyler

Monday night

Hi darling,

Today was another boring day. I pretty much slept, played video games, and then went to work from 2:30-10:00. I was glad that I got to talk to you earlier, even though it was only for a few minutes. I love to talk to you because it makes me feel less like your gone. Right now, I'm waiting on you to return a text message or just call. I wish I knew your schedule so that I'd know when to expect calls. It goes without saying that I miss you a ton and can't wait to see you. I'm glad that you are having a good time and making new friends. Steven and I are getting the urge to find tickets to the Bristol race this weekend, but I dunno if we will go or not. I'd really like to because I think that would help me not be so lonely and get my mind off missing you for a little bit.

Well, hopefully for your sake in reading this, I will find something exciting to do tomorrow, but I doubt it. Work from 9:30-4:30 and no plans after that! What a loser...I know.

I love you very much and can't wait to hold you again :-)

Love,
Tyler

Only 10 more days....Time is suprisingly flying by so hopefully these 10 days will be a blur, then time will stand still while you are home.

Tyler,

Here I am, sitting in bed. It's really early, 8:25 actually, and I am so sleepy already. The day has been so long. I don't think that I could even blog it all!

I woke up at 6:45 this morning! Can you believe that! We went to the seminar in the chapel, and then after that went to another one about abstinence! I'm serious! They actually have hired people to come in and talk to us today and tomorrow! The speaker was OK but personally I am sick of sitting for hours on in and listening to people talk. Tomorrow we get our "rape whistles"! Every girl on campus has to have one so that she can blow it if someone gets to close to her or feels threatening.

Today Katelyn, Will, and I went to see Tropic Thunder! It was the worst movie ever but we really had a lot of fun and bonded really well. As a small little group, we really have a lot in common. Oddly though, we all fit into totally different "social classification". Will is really, really chill and kinda a skater/photographer dude. Katelyn is a little.. I don't know the words.. She is totally sweet though. We are going to get really close this year I'm sure.

Right now I am just sitting in the bed chilling. I don't know what I'm going to do the rest of the night. Katelyn's mother is actually on her way over with some cold medicine for her because she has a really bad cold. Her mother is having a bit of a hard time letting go. Katelyn said that sometimes I can go home with her! I think that would be really fun but I would want to get to know her a little better first.

10 days! I love you!

My handsome man,

The time is late, so late, that I've failed to blog for Sunday. My day has been exceedingly long and draining. I miss Coddle Creek more than anything. The church service here is more like a rock concert, and everyone claps at everything. And everyone says "Amen!" A LOT when the preacher is talking. Katelyn and I are going this week to try to find a church though. The church she went to is a lot like Coddle Creek so we are looking for similar things. I haven't had too much of a hard time making friends. Everyone here is so nice and inviting. The people that I have really hit it off with though are Katelyn, Keith, and Will. Tomorrow I have to get up really early, 6:45, to be at a meeting at 8. I am not looking forward to that at all.

I talked to Bethani today and she talks like she has been through war! She said, "I am much better now." So I don't really know how she is doing. I hope that being apart for a while might make our friendship stronger.

I'm sorry that I didn't call sooner. It's been a really crazy day and I hope that you understand. I'm glad that you were at church today! Tomorrow I'll get my address so we can send things back and forth. Once classes start everything will be much slower and we will have a lot more time to talk. Thank you for being patient with me for right now.

I love you more than anything in the world,

Elisabeth